Sugar, Spice, and Skating on Ice

On the day our President made his State of the Nation Address (SONA), my sister had no school. Mom took a leave that day. We went ice-skating in the mall in the afternoon.

That’s basically what happened on that day in a nutshell. Let me expand my experience on the rink. It started off with my sister and I getting the equipment needed, which were a pair of ice-skates and a helmet. Now, I’ll tell you something about those shoes. If you can walk in them, you can walk in any pair of high heels. Those skates only have thin slices of metal on their bottom, which is almost worse than those deceptive-looking heels that scream “style” on the outside and “pain” on the inside. (Note, I heard this from my female best friend in my old school, who wore a pair on our reunion in a mall.) Luckily, I was spared of the embarrassment of falling in those shoes while on land. While I was preparing for the ice rink, my sister found an old friend of hers who was about to enter the rink as well. (They stayed together throughout the whole time in the rink.) As I was about to enter the rink, I thought, “Maybe I could be a figure skater”.

As I fell on my butt on the ice, that thought vanished as quickly as my dignity.

As time went on, I slowly mastered ice-skating to the point where I could glide at a moderate speed without falling down and getting my arse frozen. I was no Victor Nikiforov, but my skating was enough for me to keep up with my sister’s friend who practiced regularly. The thrill for me was trying to glide as fast as possible without falling down. Of course, Mom just had to take a video of me falling down while gliding too fast.

Oh, and we had to take a break from skating so that the ice could be restored. We got to see the machine from Plants vs. Zombies! (Gosh, I sound like someone who stayed inside the house too much.) Seriously, though, it was amazing to see something like that in front of my own eyes for the first time.

As fun as ice-skating was, it slowly lost its thrill to the point that I exited earlier than my sister. Of course, if I had a friend with me, I would have stayed on longer. But I didn’t, so I left early, feeling like my feet stepped on Legos.

Would I ice-skate again? Sure. But I’d rather do it with a friend (or more). It’s much more fun to challenge each other and laugh at each other’s misfortunes.

 

I’m Not a Pessimist, I’m a Realist

You know that joke about optimists and pessimists? “The optimist thinks this world is the best. The pessimist fears that this is true.” Well, lemme tell you what a special snowflake that I am, and declare myself as neither. Kidding aside, I’m actually not a pessimist. The world can be nice and all. It just ain’t that way all the time. The world was nice when humans were still developing ways to live longer, and people died early due to disease and childbirth, therefore preserving Mother Nature. (Poison Ivy would have been pleased.) The world was also nice when it didn’t feel like doing so many Harlem Shakes that ended up destroying property and taking lives. At this point, I just give up every single thought of me being an optimist.

I like to think of myself as a realist. I’m that person who looks at a half-filled glass and thinks I need a refill. I’m that person who has to bring optimists back down to Earth, and pull up pessimists from the pits of negativity. I’m that person who decides if something is worth going after or not. I’m also the person who is often told by others to be more cheerful. Cheerful? Of course I’m cheerful. You have not seen me during season premieres, cancelled school days, fanfic updates, book releases, and clearance sales if you think I’m not cheerful.

Why do people think I’m a pessimist? Well, I do like crime shows, slasher horror movies, and my jokes in the first paragraph pretty much spell out the fact that I don’t have much hope in this world. I’m not a pessimist (well, I keep telling myself that), so I tried finding what was good in this world. I gave out compliments to people. I found funny people to watch and laugh at as they joked around. For goodness sake, I’m even subscribed to Bright Side. I don’t watch the local news (so many death reports, you would have thought they were trying to discourage us from perpetrating our species), I stopped listening to ignorant people ranting about subjects they didn’t have a single clue what they were talking about, and I even tried listening to inspirational music. (The only inspirational song I liked was Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield, aka the Pantene commercial song.) To my surprise, it actually somewhat helped. (I wasn’t a full-on optimist, but I was more willing to imagine that things were going great.)

I don’t care much if you, dear reader, are a pessimist, optimist, realist, or whatever you think you are. If you’re concerned about the negativity in your own thoughts, though, it isn’t that hard to try and find some hope or happiness to pull you through your life. Maybe you can watch soldiers reuniting with their family, or you can listen to feel-good music. Whatever manages to pull you out of your negative thoughts should be enough. If the negativity of your own thoughts is directed towards you, do seek out some advice from professionals. A low-self-esteem never helps anyone.

To all the optimists out there, you do you. Keep bringing hope into this world, we realists and pessimists need it.

Blood on the Streets, and on the TV Screen

I’m a fan of slasher horror movies. In slasher horror movies, there’s something just horrifying and fascinating to watch about how far our human nature can go in  committing evil deeds. The slow realisation on the characters as they know who the dark enemy is, the urgency you feel through the protagonists as they rush to either take down the enemy (or enemies) of get out of the building, are amazing. Graphic depictions of death scenes are just the icing on the cake. There’s something so electrifying at the suspense and fear you feel coursing through your veins as you take a glimpse of what life is like for people on the dark side. Saw takes the trophy for best graphic death scenes, that’s for sure. The others take the cake when it comes to psychotic behavior, like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and House of 1000 Corpses.

Crime shows also are interesting to watch. Real-life or not, they’re still great. The best part about TV shows is when it’s hard to distinguish who’s good, and who’s bad. That’s when I know I really like the show. One requirement of a good crime show is that I need to see what’s happening on all sides. Of course, it doesn’t matter how they do it, it only matters that they do it. Crime stories have two (or more) sides to look at. You need to be able to look at them all to fully engage yourself in the events. Dealing with morally ambiguous issues? Hit me up, I’m down for it. Analysing evidence left at the crime scene? Why not? Drama between co-workers? Eh, too much can make me pass. But graphic depictions of criminal, psychotic, and/or insane behavior? Let’s roll! Gotham aces the graphic depictions of behavioral problems. CSI and Bones have flying colors at analysing evidence. Dexter kills it at morally ambiguous issues, and sociopathic thinking. Hawaii Five-0, and Burn Notice hook you in with the action between cops and criminals. Sherlock and Elementary let you take a sneak peek at how the mind of the great detective works when it comes to piecing together clues, puzzles, and crimes.

 

What connects the two of them? The title should say it for you. Yes, it’s blood. Before you write me off as a wannabe freak, let me tell you why it’s interesting. Blood is meant to stay in either bodies, or sealed containers. When you see blood stains anywhere other than those two, something’s wrong or someone is having their period. In the two genres, it’s always the former. And that’s what makes both genres enjoyable. I get to see people doing something to resolve the problem, either by criminal or law-abiding methods.

The Polarity of Sibling Relationships

As you all know, I have a younger sister who I love and hate at the same time. If you don’t understand how people can feel like singing songs with someone and throwing eggs at them simultaneously, you might be an only child. My sister can annoy me and love me at the same time. The polarity between our moods whenever we’re together is quite insane. One moment, we’ll find ourselves kicking and screaming just to get her up to eat, and the next thing you know, she’s telling me the latest stories about her well-off classmates as we laugh.

My school calendar was a bit later than hers, so she was teasing me the whole time I still had school and she was enjoying summer, and then the tables turned. I had fun rubbing in the fact that she couldn’t watch TV while I could. She had fun reminding me that I had to help her with Kumon worksheets because Mom said so.

Do we agree with each other? Often. We do like watching cooking shows together. Do we fight with each other? Most of the time. I won’t even start on what makes us fight with each other because the list will go on until Hogwarts stops changing Defense Against the Dark Arts professors.  Do we introduce new stuff to each other? Of course. I introduced her to Miraculous Ladybug. She introduced me to Minecraft. We show each other new YouTubers to enjoy.

I teach her stuff she’ll need in life. That’s what an older sibling does. Therefore, I teach her what school glosses over, like dealing with different types of friends, different types of teachers, and later on, how to flirt with people, and how to ace a job interview.

I suppose the hardest lesson I’ll learn later on is that my sister will grow up, and make decisions for herself that I cannot interfere with. I can’t hope that my sister will stay the same to me, because we’ll grow up, and eventually distance ourselves from each other. It sounds sad, but that’s the truth. She can’t always be the young, naive sister that I know right now. All I wish is to know that we still have each other’s backs when we need it, no matter how old both of us are.

A Couch Potato’s Summer Dream

Summer is close to ending for me, and I’m not that sure about going back to school. It’s nice to see my friends again, but not the work. Oh and I’ll now have to deal with prom. But let’s dwell on that as another post.

As the title says, my summer was spent as a couch potato, which is a welcome change in lifestyle from running around school buildings wondering where my classroom is. No joke, my class last year decided to call itself “The Nomads” since we’re often changing classrooms. So, I decided to scour the Internet for good TV shows, and here are what I’ve found to be quite tolerable:

  1. Dexter: This TV show absolutely kills it (pun intended). It takes your usual ideas about justice, then tosses it away. Dexter Morgan, our main character, is a sociopathic serial killer who works as a blood spatter analyst in Miami Metro P.D. The show hooks you in with Dexter’s darkly hilarious thoughts about his world and life. His general confusion about the complexity of human behavior and emotions manages to make you laugh, as well as the complex actions and reactions of people, from colleagues to victims. The characters are also part of the story. You get to watch Debra Morgan’s struggles to keep a boyfriend, Maria LaGuerta’s character development, and more. It’s finished, with 8 seasons with 12 episodes each. You can find it on Netflix.
  2. Miraculous Ladybug: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir: It’s a French animated kids show. Before you judge me, let me tell you why you should try watching an episode at least. First off, you get 4 ships for the price of one pair of people. How? Superhero identities. Second, the animation is really good. Third, the shiptease is real. Fourth, the fanbase is actually composed of mostly teenagers to adults. Fifth, the flirting and puns are hilarious. Let me explain the plot. Ladybug and Cat Noir are two heroes. Marinette Dupain-Cheng is Ladybug. Adrien is Cat Noir. Marinette and Ladybug love Adrien. Adrien and Cat Noir love Ladybug. Hawkmoth sends an evil butterfly to really mad people. Said mad people become villains with powers. The two heroes flirt while they use their charms to defeat said villain. Lastly, they hide their identities. You can find episodes on YouTube and KissCartoons.
  3. Project MC2: It’s a kids show meant to encourage girls who are interested in STEM to go for it, with a group of intelligent girls who become secret agents for an all-female espionage organization. It’s part-educational, part-entertaining at the same time. The girls’ strong friendship with each other help them solve mysteries, take down enemies, and go through high school. The lead girl, McKeyla McAlister, takes in 3 smart girls under her wing: Adrienne Attoms, Bryden Bandwidth, and Camryn Cole. They become really good secret agents, with country girl Ember Evergreen and punk artist Devon Demarco joining them later on. It’s available exclusively on Netflix, but the show has fan merchandise that you can view on YouTube.
  4. Grimm: Combine Once Upon a Time with CSI and you’ve got Grimm. It’s your typical crime show, but with fairytale elements in it, obviously based on the Brothers Grimm stories. The pilot episode had the wolf from Little Red Riding Hood kidnap girls in red jackets. Another had Goldilocks and her boyfriend get arrested for breaking and entering, along with Baby Bear for partaking in a ritual that would require killing said boyfriend and girlfriend. Basically, a detective in Portland discovers his heritage that allows him to see creatures that no one else can see. He has a Blutbad(wolf) that helps him with cases, a human best friend as his official partner, and a captain who is a Wesen.
  5. Elementary: This is essentially the American version of BBC Sherlock. Many debates have started over the premise of which was better. It starts with Sherlock as a recovering drug addict and consulting detective, and Joan Watson as his sober companion and later on his assisting consulting detective. This show is good for every Sherlock fan stuck in between season finales and season premieres, because it has 5 seasons ( and counting) with 24 episodes each. The differences of Elementary and Sherlock are: genders of certain characters (Joan Watson, Jamie Moriarty), backstories (Sherlock moved to America, Irene Adler’s the one that died), and behavior and attitude (Sherlock’s nicer, the police are actually competent for a change, Joan’s more involved in solving cases).

 

There are more TV shows I like, of course, but those are what I’m mostly watching this summer.  And anyways, the list will grow eventually. I’ll never stop loving Doctor Who, Gotham, Sherlock, and more, but I need to expand my TV experience. Hail, my fellow binge-watchers! Let us feast on the glory of our TV shows until we run out! Then we shall explore the lands of cable, Amazon Prime, Netflix, and illegal streaming websites until we find treasure! (Treasure= good plot, good acting, 4+ seasons with 10-30 episodes each. We are binge-watchers, after all.)

Too Late

Hey guys! Garrett here. Sorry for not posting anything awhile, school’s terrible and awesome at the same time. So, to make up for it, I will write two poems. Free verse, I think. Anyhow, just a fair warning, even though the poems are quite dark, let me assure you I am perfectly fine with good friends around me. I just like angsty fics or poems.

Enjoy!

 


 

Fallin’

Down, down, below

Into nothingness

As I feel these horrible things

Swimming around my mind

Is it just me,

Or am I falling from grace?

From greatness,

I have fallen into something  worthless.

People try to save me

But they can only do so much

As they try to reach for my hand

As I fall from my heaven into my hell.

The place where I deserve to be.

Tortured, for all eternity.

Much better than getting the love you didn’t deserve

Still, I think they will miss me, though

But then again, they can always move on.

Move on, have fun, and forget about me.

Isn’t that great?

As I come to meet my destiny, I hear voices.

Congratulating me, on the best decision I have ever made.

But amidst the victorious voices, I hear a small one

Mourning about how my family will ever react.

Now I’m doubting.

Was this really necessary?

Or was I too blind to see another solution?

It’s too late, anyway. I’ve hit the ground.

Intense pain circulates as I feel my bones crack.

Too much. Too much.

As I lose consciousness, I only hope he understands.


 

I was too late.

He jumped.

He wouldn’t listen to me.

That’s him, I guess. Reductive of his own worth.

How is his perception so distorted that he fails to see the good in him?

Right now, I can hear him telling me it’s fine. Like he always did.

How can he not see that this was not fine?

Is it because to say that you were fine and hide behind a mask

Is much easier than admitting you were not and showing your vulnerabilities?

How couldn’t he see that even if we’ll move on with our lives, he’ll always stay in our hearts, never to be forgotten?

Was it because I was too harsh on him? I’ll never know.

Now what do I do?

I’m not used to living a life without him forever.

I’m not even sure this life is worth living anymore.

I want to prove that I’m no better than he.

Even if he thinks I am.

Oh, the ambulance is here.

Will he survive?

‘Cause I ain’t pulling him off the plug.

He’s way too important for me to die.

I guess I’d better call his parents now.

 

 

 

Dear Andrew

I see so many posts about best friends. They all seemed cheesy to me, honestly. Like, yes, we get it, your best friend brings you food everyday, and he/she makes you smile, we get it. It’s not that I don’t believe in best friends. In fact, I do have one. It’s just that, well, I can’t seem to write a post about my best friend and express all I want to say about him without sounding cheesy. Oh well. That doesn’t qualify as an excuse for not trying, so I’ll give it my best shot.

 

Dear Joel Andrew Mallari,

 

First of all, thank you for being my best friend. Well, damn, it’s cheesy, what should I say? I need help telling you how much you mean to me, and how great you’ve impacted my life for the better, because to me, it’s like a mass noun. Well, what am I saying, of course it’s a mass noun, I can’t measure your kindness, your selflessness, and all your good qualities that you sadly fail to see. Thanks a lot.

 

What do I want to say to you? I’m not repeating all the things I’ve said on Messenger when you opened up to me about your feelings of self-hatred. Even if I keep on thanking you for being there when I had depression, it just doesn’t feel enough. What should I do, Andrew? What can I say to you here that will express all I’ve wanted to say to you?

 

Embarrassingly, I keep on having fantasies where either you or I am about to die, and that’s where I get to tell you all I’ve been meaning to tell you. We don’t need to go there, do we? What is it with the knowledge that death is coming soon that encourages people to tell all they’ve felt about a certain person to that person? Is it that when they die, that person will doubt forever about how much they meant to that dying person?

 

I’ve always wondered if it was possible to love someone not related to you without romantic feelings, just deep-seated love, admiration, and caring for that person. After being with you for a whole school year, I can definitely say yes. It was confusing at first, because I first thought that if you loved someone, you had to be interested in them and have romantic feelings for them. Maybe that’s why I’ve simply dismissed my feelings for you as something that will pass. But as time passed, I realized that maybe I actually loved you. More time passed before I realized that this love has been present ever since opening day. It has just developed over time. Of course, I’ve always let you tease me about my crush. Maybe those were only feelings of lust. You know our hormones. Always raging at the speed of light, but that doesn’t mean it’s gotta be tonight.

 

I like to think of myself as realistic. So when I had those realizations, I knew I couldn’t say it to you without sounding like I want to do the nasty to you. Yes, I’ve confessed it to you as well that I thought of doing the nasty to you, but that was me simply exploring whether it would work or not. Now that I’m sitting here, typing this, I am laughing at myself for entertaining those thoughts. So, don’t worry, I’m not interested in doing the nasty with you.

 

Now that I’m reading my thoughts, I realize what type of love I have for you. You’re like the brother I’ve never had. So, I guess it’s brotherly love. Bromance? Hmmm, will think about that later.

 

Oh well. That’s all I have to say to you (for now).

 

Thank you for being the eldest brother I’ve never had (I know, I’m older than you, but TBH, IDC.)

 

Love,

A. Garrett Lubag

Before I go to sleep, Depression talks to me

This story is basically my take at depressed self-loathing Caleb. I wrote it to try and show how it feels like when depression hits me. Take note that this is only one way depression affects people. Sometimes, it can also mean feeling empty. Here it goes. Trigger warning: implied self-harm, suicidal thoughts, depressing thoughts. Explicit.

Caleb just wanted to sleep and escape into nothingness.

Right now, it’s 12:20 a.m. He couldn’t sleep, and voices kept popping up in his head, which are quite abusive to him. He knows it was just one voice, since it always yells bad things about him. it just has the ability to morph into voices of other people. Mostly, it’s his voice, but it changes to others as well.

“Worthless. Liar. Skinny, as they all say, or fat, as you see? Hahaha, you can’t seem to agree with yourself of who you are, can you?”, whispers the voice in his head. He shudders.

“Such a piece of shit. I still wonder how on Earth Leo is still friends with you. After all, isn’t he right about the fact that you are, let’s list it down, rude, anorexic, depressed, suicidal, and, well, it’s too long to mention.”, the voice continued, snickering.

“Didn’t it feel so good when you dragged something sharp across your forearm and see the scratch? Why couldn’t you do it again? Oh wait, you’ll hurt everyone with what you do to yourself. , it seems as if it’s the only thing you can do: hurt everyone, hmm?”

Caleb was crying silently. He was thankful all his other roommates were asleep. The voice’s right, how could he still keep on living? Why was he still eating the food other poor hungry people need more than him? He tried to read a Johnlock fanfic where John comforts Sherlock during one of Sherlock’s depressive episodes. To him, reading fanfics about characters being helped mentally and emotionally by other characters comforts him. He gets the feeling of comfort that he isn’t alone. That others have the same problem as him.

“Oh how sweet. Sherlock at least has John to remind him he’s worthy of life. Don’t you wish Leo would be able to do the same to you?” the voice mocks. “To be the one who you could cry on his shoulder and be the one to hug you? Oh, in your dreams kid. You know he hates to touch an evil, twisted anomaly like you. Plus, why would he even remind you that?”

Caleb decided to have a conversation with the voice.

“Hello depression.”

“Hello Caleb.”

“Why are you still here?”

“I don’t know, you ask me, bitch.”

“Fine. I wish you were gone.”

“Well duh. Everyone’s asking you to do your best to make me go away. They don’t understand, though.”

“I know. It’s so hard for people to understand how I feel.”

“That’s why I’m here. I’m the one who understands you a lot. I can sympathise with all the pain you have inside.”

“Funny, how you say it like you are not the one who causes it.”

“Ever heard of the term ‘the ugly truth’, bitch?”, the voice asked sarcastically. “When you let it all out, I make sure you do what you think you deserve.”

“Why do you convince me that killing myself is the only way out?”

“Caleb, when you die, this pain you feel inside you will go away. You will never make anyone mad at you for doing bad stuff. Plus, you deserve this.”

“But, I’ll end up hurting people I love.”

“They’ll understand as they move on with their lives. They can sell your stuff for money. Your parents save money in the long term. Right? You can give your iPhone to Leo. He’ll have more fun with you phone than with you. Plus, why would they need you anyway?”

“I don’t know. Honestly, there are people who love me a lot, even if I don’t deserve it, so I should probably do them a favour and stay alive.”

“Fine, be that way. Just so you know, I’m always ready to help you achieve death if you think otherwise.”

“Should I even believe you? All those times I tried your suggestions, I failed, and you laughed at me told me I was too weak to do what had to be done.”

“Well, they are good ones. You’re just too weak to follow through.”

“Oh well. Good night.”

“Good night, Caleb. Enjoy your dreams of suicide.”

Short story: Caleb’s OTPs(?)

Caleb thought about school in his bed. Wait, scratch that, he thought about his OTPs (One True Pairing). Before you dismiss him as irresponsible, take note that he has pulled an all-nighter for the sake of studying for exams. Let’s continue.

Caleb sighed. As much as he wanted the ship to happen, Leo/Rita just wasn’t going to be a thing. Yes, Leo liked Rita, but there was absolutely no sign from Rita saying that she liked Leo. All Caleb saw was a sermon given by Rita to Leo for not being cooperative with the play. In fangirl terms, this was canon. Leo/Rose had more hope, but for some reason, Leo still denied the possibility of being friends with Rose. Plus, when they weren’t on good terms, they cursed at each other in Spanish and Italian, respectively. Humph, next!

Jerry/Cam? Oh hell no! Just by appearance and by behaviour, it was obvious it would never work out! Cam was petite, but very bitchy sometimes (especially during rehearsals for the play, but he understood), and Jerry was like the perverted version of the BFG. This was obviously not his OTP. Next!

Caleb/Mae? Nah, he already got over Mae because he found out she was “pabebe”, and anyway, his eyes seemed to be more attracted to Fianza (who is a boy, but he was ok with that). Caleb/Fianza? He wasn’t sure. He kept on telling Fianza he was handsome, cute, and other positive adjectives, but Fianza didn’t seem to listen. Plus, Fianza denied Caleb’s brownie (which was so good because Jerry’s mom baked it). As much as it hurt, he knew it wouldn’t work. Next!

Axel/Clarisse? Now this had a lot of hope. The two were the main characters in the play ran by the section itself, and they were supposed to act as lovers who tragically found out they were siblings. Plus, Axel posted pictures of his conversation with Clarisse. Fluff overload, he thought dreamily. Hmm, need to think about more later. Next!

Porkie/Narcissus? Ok, he was biased here, but he didn’t want this to happen. Narcissus was his annoying classmate that’s disruptive AF during class, and his personality screams “babaero”. Porkie was a cute sweet shy girl that likes Facebook and needs to control her laughter during recitation in Math. She certainly didn’t deserve Narcissus! Next!

Oh wait, that’s all. Oh well, I need to sleep anyway, Caleb sighed as he entered the world of dreams.

 

Depression and ADHD

Hey guys. Sorry if I haven’t updated my blog for some time, what with PSHS being so demanding with requirements. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, and it isn’t a walk in the park, but i think I’m getting a bit better. It’s been vicious, and my friends and my parents know that too well. Self-harm, purging, crying spells, and, well, you get the idea. I was (or maybe I still am?) self-destructive. I’ve gotten over the self-harm, and purging, but my crying spells and suicidal thoughts come often still.

Being a student diagnosed with ADHD and depression is twice as hard as being a normal student. It takes a lot of effort to start on requirements, and finish them, as you will not see the point in finishing it because you will still fail. You don’t really care about your personal appearance. Your friends may also be annoyed with your behaviour, and call you “emo”. (Yes, I’ve been called that by my best friend). You feel ashamed for all the negative thoughts in your mind because they’re like a painful truth, even if it doesn’t seem like it to others. (“Oh Garrett, why are you still entertaining these thoughts?”, said one dormer). You absolutely cannot stand noise and need to be in a quiet place, which will never be granted because that damn disruptive classmate of yours just won’t shut up. You listen to emotional music every time you need a pick-me-up, which means belting out “Bring Me To Life” in the bathroom. Negative criticism about you hurts more than it should.

There are nights where you feel the need to cry into your pillow. Every time you take your anti-depressants, you feel numb. You don’t get excited over stuff that you love to do. Your poker face becomes a mask; it hides your sadness. Your grades are slowly dropping, yet you can’t find the will to even care about them anymore. Sometimes, you wonder if you have bipolar disorder because sometimes, your ADHD makes you hyperactive and make you look like you’re bouncing off the walls, but then depression strikes, and you suddenly become lethargic and quiet.This is how it feels like to be depressed and have ADHD as a student.

I’ve been diagnosed with it in the late 2015, and so far, my coping method is sleeping. The first one was cutting, then crying. I’ve also had body image issues.

My best friend, Andrew Mallari, was my rock. He supported me during the good times, and the bad times. He also got mad at me sometimes, yes, but he always apologized because he felt the consequences (which was me having another crying spell in the bathroom, and suicidal thoughts for being a bad friend). During the times I didn’t eat lunch, he nagged me to eat lunch. Now, he keeps waking me up every time I sleep in school.

It isn’t anyone’s fault for my depression. I have to remind myself that over and over. Sometimes, though, I fantasize about everyone rejoicing over my death. I know it’s wrong, and that no one will ever be happy if I killed myself, but I get blinded by twisted fantasies of me jumping over the bridge, shooting myself with a revolver, drowning, then it all disappears and I’m back to normal. That was how it usually happened.

I always get reminded by people though how much they mean to me. One time, I chatted with Andrew a way to die without hurting anyone and he said that wouldn’t work. He also said he would demand Hades to let me go. Mom always reminds me of how much I mean to her.

Everyday, I’m one day closer to dying. Sometimes, I use that knowledge to wait for that day, other days, it’s an encouragement to get up and do something. I just hope I use it more often as the latter.